I am a man in a lot of pain.
Not physical, but emotionally. I hurt. I have been hurting for a very long time.
The greatest joys in my life cannot quench the fires raging within my soul where a sad, lonely little boy hides from the flame, desperately seeking a way out from the smoke and the hell within.
I’ve hurt the people closest to me. In some ways I continue to. I am not proud. This is not who I expected to become. I am not a bigger man for this. I am weak. The little boy is weak; beaten down from years of neglect and ignorance of self love.
I do not love myself. How can I love another? I’m not even sure I know what love is.
Or do I?
That little boy inside me wants so badly to be loved, but like a beaten dog he shys away from kindness. He’s untrusting, unsure. He sees the light and love in my daughter and he wants that soooooo bad, but the focus isn’t on him. It’s on my daughter; my two sons. He needs that love too, and I have forgotten him for too long.
There is a healing process. I’m getting to know that little boy. The younger me. He has a voice. He needs to be heard. My children will not go what I went through. They will feel heard. They will feel safe. They need to know that daddy is there for them, no matter what. My inner child needs to feel that way too.
I’m learning to love myself, and through the love of my children I think I can accomplish that. There’s no right or wrong with them. There is only the moment. The past is a memory. There is only tomorrow.
And tomorrow I may just love myself a little more.
Tomorrow I will not be as broken.
Some day, I will not be broken anymore.